Well... Good things don't always end up the way we think they do. To put it simply for everyone, I'm single now.I suppose it was a mutual decision, but only after I was shoved away and hurt by someone I thought was the most important person in my life. I have been hurt very badly in the past, very badly, but this time... The wounds are deep, and despite the small amount of love I will have for him for ever because it was true love... It can't be mended.

I'm drifting on the shores of the numb that follows a thing as this, little ripples of sadness still flicking at my feet, but I know in time, even that will fade... At least I hope so. I thought I had something so perfect, so wonderful, and it was all taken away by the person I cared most about by the way they acted, the way they rejected me, and for four days, how I was ignored, treated like the bad guy when I hadn't done anything wrong.

I had friends to stand by me, who have proved they care more about me then what my emotions would have felt, and opened my eyes, gave me their honest opinions and stood by me. And I greatly appreciate that, I am eternally in their debt for their extreme kindness, care, and devotion to me. I am honored to have them as friends.

Yesterday, in the at the time brief moments when the pain was gone, I felt something, I felt what I hadn't felt for myself in a while. I realized me. I realized myself, in it's whole, the powerful, strong, loving, caring, tender, wolf spirited person that I am on the inside. And the glance at this image of myself gave the new, weaker, overly submissive hurting thing the shove it needed. I am better then what I was giving and getting. I deserved better then to be treated so cruelly, shoved away, ignored with someone trying to manipulate the blame on me, almost as if to take advantage of my kind nature, and I see it now.

I harbor no ill will towards him at all, on the contrary, I hope he realizes his actions and comes to grips with himself being in the wrong, and fixes that, moves on, and has a wonderful life. I honestly want nothing but the best for him, even after he made me feel unloved and alone. It answered the simple debate really, over who loved who more... I let it go, I tried to work it out when I could but he kept going, I really did, and probably still do love him more. But it will never be the same kind of love.

No more romantic feelings, no more desires to have him with me, with the exception when I remember how perfect it seemed, and fall into morning over the loss of those wonderful, perfect and happy times. It's a shame it had to end the way it did, but he brought it on himself.

So for now I will sit, I will mull over the heart ache and lick my new wounds. I will never think or feel ill will towards him though, not for someone I loved so very much. He clearly didn't deserve that love if he was willing to toss it away over a frivolous fight, going down clawing at me. But what is done is done. It can't be fixed, and because of this experience I have seen what a truly powerful female force I am, and how it was being stifled in my will to be with someone I cared so much about. And even though I dreadfully want someone to be mine, I do not need it any longer, and I will not choose anyone for a long time. I will focus on what is really important; myself, my schooling, and my close friends who care about me.

I've also gotten more connected with my wolf spirit, which has always seemed like the more rational, observant side of me, as I look things over. It got a little suppressed, ignored, even though I was told to show it. But the comments that me being my true self was called odd, weird, and not understood. I am a human woman, and I am proud to be such, I am proud to be strong, even in my sensitivity. I am also proud to be a wolf spirited woman, honored that God granted me this wonderful connection to nature in this form. Proud and honored to be who I am. And I will forever wait if I have to, to find the person who sees that, all of that in me, and is willing to prove to me that they are my one.

So no more boyfriend things for me, not for a while. I am going to just wait here and heal over this hardship while reveling in the realization of some of my feminine potential and my wonderful wolf self that mingles with it. I am a powerful wolf woman, and I will sing that to the heavens in time, but for now, I wish to be in my den, mourning not over him, no, but over the good times I had. And despite this hurt, I truly am glad for this awakening, this little discovery that I hadn't truly felt the power of until now, and above all else, all the hurt, I am at peace.

Today, there was a Pit bull, or American bull dog, whatever, and she was pacing down our sidewalk looking a little lost and trying to get close to our neighbors Pit. Naturally, you know what my mom and I jump to do. I was the first out the door, and she shied away to the far end of our front yard, and I sweet talked her until my mom came out and I went in and got a bowl of food and a box of treats. After five treats she was fine being about 3-5 feet from us, so I gave her the kibble.

She was really pretty too, she was all orange brown, with a light under belly and throat, a little white swirly mark on her nose and white tipped feet. Poor thing needed a bath and ate the entire bowl of food in a matter of minutes.

Seeing that it was freaking cold outside and she was shivering, we spent the next 5-10 minutes with her nicknaming her Lil Mama since she was so cute and shy and ladylike, while tossing bits of hot dogs and spam across our house with the door open until she was far enough in for me to go around and shut the door.

So here we are with a gorgeous pit in out house who's got her tail between her legs and looking just plain nervous. So I sat on the floor, sweet talked her and gave her some cheese. Something about cheese, I have no clue why, but if you give a dog cheese it loves you instantly. XD So in about ten more minutes, fed, and warm and kind of used to us we could walk right past her and everything. Of course, other then sweet talking we ignored her totally, and she relaxed really quick and walked through our whole house sniffing everything, and deciding she liked to look out our windows.

So she was calm and we just sat and watched her until she decided she'd get close to us, when we were promptly given kisses and sniffs until she got to me and I pet her. She flinched for a second until she realized I was good for scratches behind the ears. After that she just walked around our house at ease and we called the animal shelter to come and get her.

At this point I'm sure a few of you guys are like, OMG why would you bring a stray dog in, let alone I pit right? Well I didn't leave her be. I messed with her mouth, feet, belly, ears, neck, everything to see how she would react and to see if she was dehydrated. She stood and took it like a pro, not shying away from a thing, so I checked her gums and stuff, felt her ribs and things... You know, the things Techs are supposed to do... Yeah, I'm in the habit. XD So that by the time Animal control showed up she was walking around with me getting petted. But she was nervous when she saw the Animal control lady, and ran into the other room so I got the leash and got a hold of her, I let her sniff it first then hooked her on and led her to the door to go. That dog behaved so freaking well on the leash she put my Jack Russel to shame. She followed instantly and didn't tug ahead. She also didn't fight getting in the car to go.

We got a couple of pictures of our lil Mama, and I'll post them up in a minute or two. ^_^ I really hope they found her owners, she was a perfectly behaved girl, she didn't bark at the door, she didn't have problems being touched on her face or feet, so I know whoever lost her had her raised right. So I would hate to hear that they couldn't adopt her out if they can't find her pet parents. She was such a good girl.

So yeah... I know that if she didn't have owners, and that if my dad would let us have another dog and our current dog would get along with her, I would LOVE to keep that dog. I honestly hope her family turns up for her.

Yeah, over a month with no posty, woo! You know it's awesome.. But yeah, not being sure how many people actually read my posts when I do them, so meh, this is more a recording of what's happened to me every single boring day that I can think of. ^_^ Sound's interesting doesn't it? I thought so.

Lest see, since last entry, I've spent a month with my boyfriend, a month without him and in college doing the hard work that needs to be done. I've done job shadowing hours at a Vet's office and had the whole staff love me and well as put me to work on a surgery day. ^_^ I was in charge of writing down all the vitals every 10 minutes for the patients, as well as helping out with surgery prep, and assisting the Vet who had the most surgeries that day. Effectively, I now know where every suture, cleaning solution, and surgical instrument is, has to go, or can be retrieved from.

While there I also learned that the cure for a dog who drinks antifreeze is an absolute vodka drip. Yup. That's right. VODKA! The little wiener dog who was in for it went through like, three bags of it... One happy tipsy dog I can assure you. I also lifted two very large German Shepard dogs, one off of a floor, and the other off his operating cart. So yeah, a busy two days of learning.

Other then that, I've been doing 17 credit hours of school, with a quiz every week in one class, it's moving by in a blur. I have another test tomorrow come to think of it... I hope I study enough... Anyway... Once again, art is looking to be my favorite class this semester, I'm taking a ceramics class. I have made SO many things it isn't funny. XD But I laugh anyway. Last class was spent working with glaze, and was very enjoyable, tomorrow I get to glaze the outsides of the pots I did, so I'm thinking of creative things to do to them.

So yeah.... If anyone actually reads this, I'm sorry for being boring, I don't post much, but heck, when I do you'll hear what I've been doin I swear! Ok... I'm done now.

I really don't post in here much do I... Oh well. School has been busy, life has been a little monotonous and dissections have indeed proved fun and interesting. This past Monday was the first dissection I've ever had to do, and I was a little fearful of it. Not the gore, or the acts involved in it, but the smell... I hate scents, and I was not looking forward to smelling what this pig was being hyped up to smell like. When I actually got around to it though, the worst part of it was the collected scent in the bag, not the pig on its own. Besides, like I said all day that day, "This smell is nothing compared to the smell of three day old feted bear." The reason I know what that smells like is because when I was making my mask, I went to a taxidermists to get glass eyes. This guy worked out of his garage and I had the luck to not only be bragged to about his exploits in Canada by way of his hunting trips. Trips of which had outcomes that resulted in him trying to impress this little wolf lover with some scrap wolf pelt from his last trip. (VERY bad idea on his part.. He's lucky I was brought up to be a lady and that my mother was in the same room) Anyway, he was fixing up a bear and there was pelt and bone everywhere in there... Awful smell.. And the fact that it was mixed with all the OLD scents of death and decay, it wasn't a good experience at all. But to complete my point, I sat in a stinky garage for an hour listening to a hunter/taxidermist blab on and on about how he likes some things that I am totally against but just sat through with nods because I was getting two sets of glass eyes, one for free and one for cheap, and saving some pelt scraps from the indignity of sitting in a respect-less pile in the corner. So yeah... Dissections.


Other then that, there hasn't been much else going on. My boyfriend flies up in only 18 days, which is, coincidentally, the same amount of days before I have to go in to have my tonsils surgically removed. Yay for me.

So, that's enough of an update for now. Maybe I'll post again later.

Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you're all going to enjoy this holiday, I know I'm going to try. I've been wearing a wolf tail I made for my costume last year all day today. It's not coming off at all. XD I might also walk around the neighborhood a little with the wolf mask I made last year, the one I'm using a photo of as my picture today. ^_^

Now for the rest of my day. I've had a stressful morning at school, I was one minute late getting back to class and along with 8 other people, I got locked out of the classroom.And then I have to finish a report that I have no clue what to write about by Tuesday. Yay me, more work. Plus tomorrow I start the hard part of my sculpture class. I sigh, but oh well, I have to do it.

I'm going to be getting the surprise from my boy here soon, he's teasing that I'll be getting a part of it soon. So I'm really excited about that. ^_^ I can't wait to see what my sweetie got me.

So that's enough from me, get out there in your costumes and scare some adults for me! I don't have a chance to do it this year, so I'll sit here remembering how I scared like, 4 full grown men last year, and daydream about your exploits. Have a happy evening peoples! EAT TONS OF CANDY FOR ME!

I haven't posted here in a while, but that's mostly because I just haven't had anything to say. I'm pretty sure I still really don't, but ah well. I might as well start on whats going on. I had two midterms, I took them already and I'm waiting on my grade, I have a test tomorrow which I'm studying for after I finish cleaning my bathroom, and I've been spending more and more time on wolfhome. It's ok there, I have a few friends who are there so I chat with them.

I've also started role playing again because I crave it. It's weird, I just want to type, and not type out some silly report to appease my English teacher, the typing that expresses the trapped creativity that I haven't let out lately.

Being busy with school and home life and a boyfriend I haven't drawn much at all, though I do have a few drawings in my notebooks and a few sketches that I wish I would get done. This is the longest I've gone without drawing something and it's starting to get to me. I have a million ideas floating around in my head but I just can't seem to get them on paper.

So I vent off the energy by role playing. I'm happy I brought back some old ones, my partner in crime has been very pleased that I started playing with our old characters again. I am too, because I've had those characters for so long they're like my children. So I'm pleased that they're getting more attention these days.

I haven't talked to my boy much since his trip up here, he's been busy with school and work and with friends he hasn't spent time with in a while, but I don't mind, he calls me through the day to pop in and say hi, and how much he loves me before he heads off to work and school, and on his breaks.

He is also is sending me a present to celebrate our half year anniversary next month. I'm so excited about it, but he insists on being a stinker and not telling me what he's sending. My only hints have been: You'll like it, it kicks ass, clear a space on your shelves for part of it, and that he's sending it to me. I really want to know what my surprise is, but it looks like I'll have to wait.

Our five month anniversary was this past Friday, and I'm lagging on the card I want to send because I think it would be better if I sent it on our half year, so I'm all messed up about that.

Been thinking about getting a job again, I'm not sure if I can handle it, but I need the money. I have Christmas presents to buy and all kinds of things I want to do with my boy when he comes up for the holidays so I better get cracking. I've been thinking about going to this one vets office, they said they would work with my college schedule so it's looking like my best bet.

I have also completed my first sculpture, the dubbed "Fred" is now drying out in the art room. I hope to take a picture of him completed and send two pictures to my deviant art account so I'll have actually updated.

I'm officially going to wear the silly little wolf tail I made for a costume all day on Halloween, I have nothing else to wear and I don't get to do anything else so look out teachers! I'm going to be in half costume! HAHAHA! Take that Biology!

Anyway... I hope I can talk to my boy more tonight, and that I do decent on my test tomorrow, she's told us a hundred times it's the hardest one we'll get... So I'm only stressed out a little. (extreme sarcasm warning)

Well, that looks to be about it for now, the tub is calling me to be cleaned and I have books piled on my bed for some reading. I'll try and post again sooner then I waited for this post so you wont have as much to read, but meh, you never know.

I took my boy to the airport earlier. It was so awesome to have him here with me, we had all kinds of fun while he was here though, and then he got sick... That made me sad, but I took care of him. Man I miss him... Anyway, we watched a lot of movies, took him to a museum up here and made him all kinds of good food. So yeah... More on it later. ^_^ I'm tired and missing my mate, so I think I'll go to bed now.

YAY ME! My boyfriend flies up tomorrow!!! YIPPIE! I can't wait! He gets to stay with me until Sunday! Then I have to send him home. T_T I don't want him to go. Well, thats all for now, not many posts for the next coming week, I will be with mah boy. *huggles him*

I have decided to start using some freebie wolf home poses as my smilies, I hope this is ok as they were free poses... I hope no one minds me using them like this, but they're just so cute! XD

Boyfriend visiting next week so I won't be on ANY website much at all. XD

Or it might be because my boy will be flying up in only a few more days. I can't keep focused. I have a test to study for and a report to write and I can't motivate myself to do it for very long, I only have one paragraph in my report. ONE! And it's a little one! The freaking thing is due Tuesday and it isn't done.... I need motivation...

Anyway, I got under 4 hours of sleep last night, got up at 8 after going to bed at like, 4. Went running ALL morning and most of the afternoon, bought one wolf snowglobe and wished I would have bought one wolf statue for cheap that was expensive at another store. Also ate at Lashish. YUM!
HUMMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It kicks ass, it really does. So does the garlic paste..... Mmmmmmmmmmmm... Garlic. LOL Well, I'm off to eat leftovers and stare at my paper until something flows out of me. Laters for now.

At last! I updated my DA account! I now have TWO pictures in it. XD I just added a picture of the bust I'm working on in my sculpture class. ^_^ Here's the link to my DA, please take a look and tell me what you think!

http://akariwhisperpaw.deviantart.com/

I have been so freaking busy... Well, at least I get my boy in just about a week, I'm really looking forward to it. I just wish I didn't have a test scheduled that week and a report due as well... I also wish I didn't have to go to school then either. Ah well, not like I can stop school.

Well, had tests pass, and had a test today, have another test tomorrow, yay me. But at least it's math. I found out I did pretty good on the lab test I thought I was going to fail, I got an A. Have to write that other damn paper now... I have this many ideas: 0. Also found out I have to do TWO sciences next year for the vet-tech program, Micro biology and Chemistry, plus their labs... Next semester will bite major ass, but ah well... I'll have to deal with it.

Wolfhome is lovely, I owe so many poses to be colored I'm going insane. XD At least I got one of the ones I owe done and then there's only one more that isn't for my bff or my boyfriend, they have more patience with me. XD Made a new friend on wolfhome, new to Therianthropy, so I'm helping out the little pup so to speak. She's pretty cool, we talk whenever I get on these days, and she joined my forum. She gets bonus karma for also bringing her sister and best friend with her! YAY for new members!

I am literally bouncing at the thought of my boy visiting. <3 He will be in my house for a week! SQUEE!!!!!! And I will love him, and hug him, and feed him treats, and give him fresh water. LOL I is a goof. *huggles my snugly boy* Anyway, many plans for said snuggly one, we shall have a picnic, if rain lets up next week, or we will sit home and watch movies and do cute cuddlyness at all times possible and I am bound and determined to make someone in my family tell us to stop being so damn cute. XD

Well, thats all for now folks, more laterz, TTFN

Well, it's a little past midnight, so its now Saturday! My b-day! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm now 18! Ain't it cool!!! I am officially checking in my replies for gifties, so you may now shower me with b-day happy. Let the wolf puppy pictures roll in with the chocolate bars! XD

Well, I had a mini party with two aunts and a few friends, lots of pizzza was devoured tonight, along with cheesy bread, cake and Sprite. I'm going to explode from the cake. XD It was SOOOO good! White cake, butter cream frosting and lemon filling between the three layers of goodness! Plus, a wolfy picture of me on top in the form of rice paper! Same picture as my avatar actually. XD

Gifties I got from buddies:
Fuzzy slippers of fuzzyness - from my BFF, self appointed sis and fellow wolfy, Alana Moonsong. ^_^ I'm so proud of her deciding on her name.

Wolfy statue of cuteness - From my feathered friend Chris, mah hawk boy who is still working on a name.

Laptop of AWESOMENESS! - Mah Daddah <3

Early giftie of Harry Potter book (much earlier, like, the day it came out) - My little bro

Boyfriend visiting, reserving ticket on credit card goodness - Mah Mammaz, the fluffly chrome wolfy, XD she can't settle on a name, but this week shes Anastasia Beaverhousen, don't ask. XD

Money in the mail - Grandma <3

Pretty silver watch and ornament - My aunties <3


And thats all for now. LOL Well, I'm heading off to bed, I think I want to go shopping tomorrow. XD Tah tah for now!

HA! XD I love quizes!

Alright... I turned in my paper at last. So that's one thing off my shoulders. I found out that I have a test on not only Monday in bio lab, but also on Tuesday in Math. Oddly, considering that I sucked royally at math, I'm looking forward to the math test more then the Lab exam... Go figure. On a lighter note, my boy can come up to visit. <3 The ticket is bought and I am happy, only 19 more days to go till I get to snuggle him all day. ^_^ And my birthday is this Saturday, I will be looking for chocolate and puppies in my reply section, just a warning. XD

Other then that, nothing is really going on, I'm still looking for some cute wolf smilies though.... Maybe I should just finish the little set I had before.... Or, edit these fox ones.... Hmmm.... Ah well, more on my life later... Man, this was a rather short post... I'm amazed. Wells, later for now everyone!

Someone, please....... Are there any wolf smilies out there? I made a few, and I use them in my posts some times, I'm sure you've seen, and I'm not sure I like them... I also have no clue how to get them to work here... *sigh* Pweeze? Anyone up for making or finding me base art for a smiley set for a wolf? I'll color them if they're the wrong color or if they're gray, but please... I wanna have cute wolf smilies.. For now, I'm using the foxes... Help?

Well, I had a evil test in bio, and I think I survived... Maybe I'll even get a good grade on this one. Ah well, at least it's over, now on to the next task at hand: Writing my report. *sigh* At least I got permission to write a fictional story about a wolf. I should be able to finish it tonight and hand it in tomorrow or Thursday at the latest. And I haven't painted the little sculptures I finally got back last Thursday, I'm just being lazy really.

And wonderful news.... My 18th b-day is this Saturday. I have no clue what I'm doing for it. I'll probably go out to eat or something, and come home and watch a movie. No presents from my family, because my dad got me the laptop I'm using now, and my mom is going to help me pay for half a plane ticket for my bestest boyfriend Michael, love of my life, to come and visit next month. ^_^ I can't wait for that, I hope his dad says it's ok. And my little brother got me the new harry potter book the day it came out. So yeah... Oh, and that night, my little brother and my dad are going on a campout for scouts... Yay. Well, at least I don't have to listen to my little brother then. I think they camped out on my b-day last year too... I don't remember... Ah well. So that's it for now, if you would like to give me a present. *hints wildly* Post me a picture of a goody, or even better, a wolf puppy or of wolves, ^_^ I would love as many pictures as possible of a brown wolf with a black one, since I have a black pelt and mah boy has brown. ^_^ So ta ta for now! I'll be posting again soon, I don't think I can handle another pose this big. Well, laterz!

I'm getting ready for school, so my post will be a quick one. Nothing really new has happened, I've slept in all weekend mostly, but I have found some funny things that I'll post later, when I'm home... After the evil bio class and lab. *shudder* I definitely like Math more this year. Anyway, I found this little code thingy and I wanted to see how it works, so I'm posting it here 'cause I'm curious about the thing.


Crush this person!
Get your own ThisCrush.com CrushTag!

I should probably tell my boyfriend about my live journal too... That way he can make his own and comment on my stuff. XD Not that he doesn't already know what I'm doing all day long. Anyway, I shall soon be updating my blasted DA account, I have a couple of projects that I made in sculpture class that I'm waiting to get back tomorrow, or at the latest, Thursday. They also need to be painted, but I can do that quickly. But I'll have pictures going up on there soon... Man I don't put anything on there so it'll be an improvement for me if I put anything on there. XD And I just HAVE to get working on some smilies for this thing... I hate the little ones I'm using at the moment... Great... More art piled up. :p Well, that's it for now, I have some quick reading to do before I black out of here for the torture session for today. So laterz for now.

My school DID get harder, and in the second week too. I'm pretty sure I did bad on a Biology test, and then I have to get going to write a paper for my English class, and then I have a math test on this coming Tuesday, and then in Sculpture I have to start shaping the mass of clay that is my bust base. XD I'm going to be SOOO freaking tired next week. But on the plus side, I got to hold a praying mantis Wednesday, and I got to play with clay in sculpture class. It's ok for now... I can't wait for the tests....... By the way, that was sarcasm. XD I hate tests, my memory is so bad I forget all the stuff I'm supposed to know. Anyway, still no progress on my art crisis, I haven't actually drawn in over a week. I have doodled, but thats nothing. It scares me just a little... Oh well, sometime this week my art will explode and I'll have a masterpiece to add to my collection. Maybe it'll be a wolf with a calculator wearing lab goggles of something. LOL Just what I need. Anyway, time for me to head out again, look for my next post sometime in the n

Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't post that one day, it was SUPER busy. My first week of school is over, and soon my second will start. But at least I got to make an extra sculpture in my sculpture class, soon, I shall put a new picture on my Deviant Art account. LOL About time really, but I'll try to put up a pic of the little Anubis head I made for fun and to add to my little Anubis collection I seem to have growing. Or maybe I'll make it a Doberman, I dunno. XD And I have a quiz Wednesday in Bio. *dies* Anyway, I have a long weekend still going, I have tomorrow off, God bless labor day, and I'm enjoying the sleep. I have SOOOO many art things I need to do it's not even funny..... I'm being lazy about them for some reason and it just isn't like me to do that. Ah well... My mom left for the weekend to visit an aunt out of state, so I've been home with my dad. Weird thing is, he's laid back this weekend, no, 'GO DO YOUR CHORES!' 'WASH THIS NOW!' for me this weekend. ^_^ I got pizza and movies and lunch out. It's saweet. XD But my boy went to his moms this weekend, so I only get to talk to him and not drool over his picture in my web cam. XD Yes, I said drool. Anywho, I have much to do, my room is a sty, I have more shit to read before Tuesday, I have MORE dishes to get washed before my mom gets home, I have art to do and so on so forth... Yay me. I promise another massive post in a few days or sooner, so later for now!